So I'm back at work and I'm having this extreme sense of "I don't want to put up with your shit at the moment". It's causing me to take the normal level of stupidity (that everyone exhibits) and project it into my senses as "Hyper Stupidity" -- basically I'm being about 10 times harsher on people. It's what happens when I come back from vacation... I just don't wanna deal with your bullshit! So... the phones are ringing and I answer as normal and here's how the conversation goes:

Me: Thank your for calling *health center*, how may I help you?

Patient: Yes... are you open?

Me: No maam, I just sit here and answer the phones for entertainment.

Patient: so you aren't open?

Me: No, we are open from 8am to 10pm, closed for lunch from noon to one... how may I help you?

Patient: Is there a doctor who can see me?

Me: (trying to not laugh at this point) No maam... it's just me and my pet elephant. We do surgery with a pizza cutter and try our best not to let you bleed out before we are done.

My Actual response: Yes, maam... would you like to be seen today or later this week.

Patient: Can you see me today?

Me: No, I just like asking that question. What time next week would you like to set your appointment?

Patient: Wait... I have to make an appointment?

*CLICK* -I hung up on her-

She called back... and I let the other secretary answer the phone... it took five minutes to get an appointment made... I just sat there and laughed. It was a riot. I was probably being overly harsh and judgemental... but my brain just wasn't in an understanding mood. I had too good of a time this weekend and she's trying to bring my euphoria down to normal levels and I won't accept that kind of treatment until tomorrow at the earliest!!

Anyhow, I'm sure that you all wanna know some funny stories about my trip... and trust me there are a great deal of them. However, I'm not going to tell them just yet. Rather I'm going to give you a list of ten things I learned this weekend and you can pick which story you want to hear! And this is the list:

1. Giving directions to the middle of nowhere is not as easy as you would think.
2. When trying to fry chicken... you have to know what you are doing. It's not enough to put a pot of oil on the stove and then throw the chicken in.
3. When drinking... do not allow one of your friends to have an entire bottle of Goldschlager to themselves.
4. Dr. Pepper and Smirnoff is a nice combination... until you realize that you've had two six packs of both.
5. No one is truly straight... if you look hot and your friends are drunk--they become Gropey McCreeperson... and your gender does not matter.
6. Gay men blush when you give them lapdances... and you like to make them blush... which makes the room bust into laughter.
7. People laughing does not "always" mean you are a comedian--they could be laughing at you.
8. You do not need 10 bags of chips for a weekend vacation... no matter HOW MANY people you bring. Chips get old fast.
9. Chocolate never gets old... it only makes hangovers feel better.
10. Aveeno's natural colloidal oatmeal lotion does not make for good lube. DO NOT let your drunken libido con you into thinking otherwise...

Which brings me to the word of the day: Krakatoa- a word associated with extreme heat... often shouted by people experiencing certain body parts that are on fire... or when their insides are burning, or when they have made a stupid sexual experiment with lubrication. Rumors that this was an actual volcano are myth, and considered erroneous by many experts... scientists are in agreement that it is an expletive shouted at one's own misery.