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View Profile MagicalSarai
I have multiple personalities... and they all say you're an idiot. ^.^

Age 38, Female

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Anywhere but Nowhere

Joined on 6/29/09

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Oatmeal is not an acceptable lube... EVER!

Posted by MagicalSarai - August 11th, 2009


Ok... so I'm an avid supporter of equality for all people. Being as such... I'm friends with many people in the gay community. I like gay people. Simple as that. I think that most of the time they are more open, more fun, and more honest the normal people... if you can make a standard for normal.

Anyhow... so I was in the country the past weekend, and I had several people with me. Two of them were quite fabulous! We are talking nail polish, stockings, gaydom... the whole shebang!! One is a fierce tranny and the other is just a wonderful gay man who queens out at times... they are both very pretty. They tried dating, but they are such opposites that I will NEVER see them working out. I think they see it too... that does not mean however that sexual tension does not exist. I mean when you see a hot person you just sometimes get this desire to throw them down.

I get this desire every time I see Johnny Depp... that man is walking porn!

Moving on!!

So the easiest way to overcome inhibition... and to make certain that sex happens between two people who have "tension"? Haha, you better have picked booze. It's the magical drink... the one that turns all people into open people. You get a little bit of alcohol into people and they loosen up... you get a lotta alcohol into people and then I can start an orgy! (didn't happen... don't worry)

Thus... I bust out the booze about the second night. We had Tuaca, Goldshalger, this drink called Hot Damn? I think... Smirnoff six packs and... shit! There was booze to be had for seven people. (I'm a sexualist, just for the record. I like sex... I talk about sex... I'm open will all my friends about it. There's nothing I won't do, except for put my mouth around someone's ass. I just won't do that. I also don't like feet, but I can put up with those.) I was going to be partying. I drank a six pack and some hot damn myself... Barry (the one straight "proclaimed" guy) had half a bottle of Goldshalger... which I don't recommend anyone do. The gays had Smirnoff and hot damn... Mandy drank vodka... it was crazy.

The night involves strip poker... it involved monopoly... it had music and dancing... and the longer it goes on--the two pretty men are getting on top of each other more and more. I'm watching this and my inner whore is pretty much saying "YES!! GO!! TAKE THE BACK BEDROOM!!" But... no such luck. I didn't get to giggle or laugh at the sex noises... nothing.

The night winds down (there was much fun to be had... pick option 5 from last post's list if you want that story) and I go to sleep... well next morning I wake up and the pretty queen, he's a good good friend of mine, comes up to me smiling like a Cheshire cat. (he's very cat-like, but that's another story as well)

I look at him and automatically know that something went down and I missed it... which I don't like to miss things. I'm an enabler, but I like to see the things I enable. Thus I demand that he tell me what happened.

"Oatmeal" he says... and throws a bottle of lotion at me. Aveeno's Natural Moisturizing Oatmeal Lotion. I haven't seen this shit in years. My grandmother used to rub it all over herself and she smelled of it. I have so many memories of this lotion... that are now all overshadowed by laughter.

I raised my eyes and looked at him and said, "you didn't..."

"No..." he said, "but the other guy did..."

I nodded, "and?" I never pictured him bottoming for ANYONE... but versatile is an impressive trait for a man. It makes him WAY hotter.

He giggled, "We were having SO much fun... but couldn't find any lube... so we were getting frustrated. Next thing I know is that he's grabbing something... squirting it... *edited for explicitiveness*... and my ass is on fire."

At this point I'm dying laughing, waking the whole cabin up... and I'm looking at the warnings on the bottle. The first one reads, and I quote: External Use ONLY! I'm laughing... cackling... and he's bright red. The tranny comes out and knows that I know... and he's laughing too. Apparently the time wasn't ruined by that, because they are still talking to one another... but, I swear, they both were embarrassed by it.

The other people manage to get into the kitchen where we are... and they look confused. So I say to everyone, "How does oatmeal sound for breakfast?" My two gays just die laughing as everyone agrees to breakfast, I'm hiding the bottle to prevent further drunken mistakes... and I make everyone oatmeal with as smile on my face.

Hope you laughed... I did.

Anyhow... i noticed yesterday that I filled up my ten things I learned... and still had more... so to end today I have:

Ten MORE things I learned in the cabin:
1. A giant spider that has a bright YELLOW web is to be avoided... no matter how brave you think you are.
2. When casting a fishing line... NEVER aim towards a tree.
3. When paddling a boat... don't stand on the seat.
4. Mixing Smirnoff and Goldshalger = instavomit
5. Giant dogs are to be treated with respect...
6. Naming a lizard Captain Cupcake does not mean it becomes a pet... it just makes it want to attack you more.
7. Most people are dicks... if you go into town with a group of people and two fabulous gays... they become assholes... with hard-ons.
8. Falling asleep and expecting other people to put up food without being told... never happens.
9. Cockroaches are invincible... unless you attack with stilettos.
10. When in doubt... always expect the unexpected... even when you expect nothing. This includes your friends and their sexuality.

Word of the day: Phone - the scourge of the civilized world. It can make any normal human into an insufferable ass.


Comments

i feel bad for GoKy if he reads this....

Like I said... he'll have to suck it up.

no joke intended! XP

^
Poor GoKy.

he'll be fine

Oh god....that's brilliant!

Umm... Yeah... O_o

So, next story... You told the one about the dog... How about...

NUMBER 6!

I'm going to tell the captain cupcake story tomorrow!!