Just like James Brown...

I jest, but anyhow... the new season for my work starts yet again... we near the cold and flu times and the times when everyone and their mother comes in for stuff that I never even want to talk about. It's time for STD seminars and the plethora of patients and morons that come with it.

Sigh, other that that I'm really looking forward to it. My yearly mark is coming up and I'll be hoping for a raise yet again. I've spent so much time at this job, but it seems like I'm... stuck in the same place continuously. I want to do something new and exciting, but I'm also a creature of comfort. I'll never be happy doing boring stuff, yet I don't want to find another job because this one pays well.

So I'm looking for my next big adventure... I'm thinking japan or spain... one of the two.

Time to save money!! WHOO! I'm going with a friend to see Julie $ Julia or whatever that cooking movie is... expect a review later.

(title spelled for humor I swear!)

So I got on this morning and lo-and-behold: I was scouted!! FINALLY!!

I'm quite happy, so happy in fact, I think I'm going to spend the weekend working on a pencil piece to upload on Monday!! I had a building drawing that I was going to put up... but now that people can vote on my art!!! I'm very excited! I'm now... really and truly... contributing to the art society here on Newgrounds. (hopefully... one day... the art portal will get as much respect as the flash portal)

So now that I'm votable!! GO! Look at my art and vote... and if you really love me... REVIEWS are much appreciated. (you don't have to review each piece... trust me... I'll find it even if you make one... and I always respond! That's a promise!!)

Well I'm off work and I'm going to a family gathering... for a friend... to keep them sane... and probably lose my own sanity in the process. Probably not... but I can exaggerate no?

Ok! So I'm a lover of Hao Miazaki!! I love Studio Ghibli films... first one I EVER saw was Princess Moononoke... then My Neighbor Totorro... then Spirited Away... Nausica and the Valley of the Wind, Kiki's Delievery Service, the Cat Returns... Howl's Moving Castle... love all of their films and Miazaki is a bloody genius!!

So since Howl's... we haven't had a new Studio Ghibli film in almost four years... so I was quite excited to learn the Miazaki's new film Ponyo... not only had been released, but a theater in my area was showing it!!! I don't normally go to movies by myself... I don't normally pay to see movies in theaters (I let other people take and pay for my movies)... but this is one of those rare exceptions (like Star Wars).

I went to see Ponyo and now I'm going to give you my thoughts... here's me with my critic's cap on.

Ponyo - 4.5 out of 5 stars
Thoughts: Yes... it's a children's movie... don't expect it not to be. However, in a world where hand drawn animation is slowly vanishing... this is a masterpiece of artwork. It's drawn beautifully and it's a cute story. The art is adorable and it not only fits within the Japanese "chibi" fetish that is going on at the moment... but Miazaki has changed his art form to encompass the feel of this timeless fairy tale... (it's based loosely on the japanese version of the little mermaid).

The voice talent (because it was english dubbed) was phenomenal!! Liam Neeson, Cate Blanchett, Matt Damon... it was such a great cast and the story was never boring. I found myself sitting their looking in awe at the screen... because it was such a complexity of art and story!!

Now it was a great story that ended... rather anti-climatically, but I have to take into account that Miazaki was making a children's film this time. He didn't want a complex and ambiguous ending (like spirity away) and he didn't want a central conflict that devided audiences (Princess Moononoke and Howl's) and there wasn't a "villian" so to speak... but that doesn't detract from the movie's message or it's adoration. Yes, the adult audience will be somewhat like, "Well that just ended to easily." However, it's not a feeling of unfulfillment so much as it is... a warm happy feeling that you know... these main characters will live an good life... and it's nice to see a truly HAPPY ending in today's film society!

Go... turn off your brain and enjoy this movie if you get the chance to see it in theaters. You will be pleasantly surprised and you will enjoy it. If you don't get the chance... rent or buy this movie... it's classic and it will become a staple of your movie library!

Sarai out!

Ok... there are several types of people in the world, but for the topic of today's new's post... we're going to clarify three types of people: the pansy, the asshole, and the moron...

Asshole - the type of person who will make plans with you, and then for no apparent reason (other than he just felt like it) decideds that the plans he made with you aren't worth sticking to and he changes them. Why? Because he is an asshole and he cannot help it... or he could help it but he doesn't want to... because he is an asshole. Things must always be HIS way and you cannot fight the regime otherwise you are "trying to be controlling".

Pansy - the type of person who makes plans with you and then lets someone else decide for him... that the plans you made with him aren't good enough and that he should do something else. This person has no backbone and is the human equivalent of an invertabrate... no one can give him a spine because he is too weak to accept the required surgery. He has no will of his own and is easily manipulated and controlled... and easily pushed around. He will fuck you over without even knowing it.

Moron - the kind of person who makes plans with you and then... for some reason known only to god... either forgets that he made them or forgets what the plans are. No miraculous act will help his memory because he is too far gone. The years of drinking have killed off all major brain functions and his remaining cells are cowering in fear in the dark recesses of his troubled brain (which was the size of a walnut to begin with). He cannot help fucking you over because his thought process is about as good a that of a goldfish: reliable for one lap around the fish bowl.

Now taking into account these three types of people... my friend and I were supposed to eat food last night, yes? Well he begged me to get off work and come see him and keep him from mass murdering all the people that came into his job. (he works retail) I, being a nice person at times, got off work and went to see him. He wanted me to stay until he got off... and we could go straight to get food from there.

The man didn't get off for another 4 hours...

Yeah. I know... who sticks around bored for four hours? Apparently I do... I'm too nice at times. It won't ever happen again... this was the FIRST and the LAST. Anyhow... I'm sitting around and he's just being a pissy person, so I take it upon myself to liven the store up. His coworker thinks I'm amazing... we hit it off, I play some games on his iPhone... and it's gets wild. I throw this wierd yellow cleaning goop around (it looks like snot colored silly putty) and it's all fine... except that my friends is still being pissy. He ignores me... and then he goes off when it's time to close in order to go do another employee's job for them?

Thirty minutes pass after we were supposed to leave and the restaurant I wanted to go to closes in an hour... I was getting pissed. So I call him up and he's doing a sale... a long difficult sale that he started with 10 minutes till closing. Well I tore into him... I told him that you don't do that shit. IF a customer comes in that late, you politely ask them to come back tomorrow. Trust me. They will come back if they really want it. Anyhow he told me that 1) I didn't know what I was talking about and 2) he had no control over it.

He's THE FREAKING MANAGER!! That puts him in charge! Which I told him. He needs to delegate his employees and control sales... that's what he's there for. Well he just sighed and hung up on me. WORD OF WARNING: > you never NEVER never hang up on a crazy redhead < I looked at his coworker... who had been off for thirty minutes and could have gone home (but the darling twenty year old was "keeping me company" as he put it)... but he didn't. I asked him if he wanted food. He said "sure". So we walked down to where my friend was and I asked him, "Are you going to fix this and let's go?"

He said, "Look I DO have a job and you need to stop coming by and trying to fuck it up."

The asshole asked me to come by! I drew the line there. I did what any decently and pissed off person would do... or what I would do when decently pissed off.

I punched him in the throat and left. I got food with his coworker and said thanks when he paid... and then I took the boy home. I went home... and I didn't answer any of my friends calls. Why? Because he is an asshole!! He also had a moronic moment... but mostly he is an asshole!

Word of the day: Management - an excuse to do an age old thing... put the asshole in charge. Managers are normally people who don't know anything about what they are doing, but they are so certain that that should be in charge, that they can never take helpful criticism or advice. They will go mad with power and try to create their own little Emperor Palpatine domain within their store. You will hate them... it's in the nature of the common person.

So I've been kinda all over the place recently... taking bizzare trips and having random encounters with my neighbor... and I've been neglecting a good friend of mine. I've known him for almost eight years and really... we've been through a lot in our lives. Heck we knew each other in school and we still know each other! That stands for something, right? I thought so!

Anyhow... I haven't hung out with him in over two weeks and we normal make it a priority to do something at least once a week. I like hanging with him... he's perhaps the best friend I've got, not because of our closeness (because weird thing: we haven't actually "talked" -about actual personal things- except in the past year), but because he's pretty much ALWAYS been there. No matter what shit I go through... he's had my back.

He's also fucked me over twice... and that makes him the only person I've not only given a second chance to... but a third chance. I must be crazy, but oh well! Anyhow... he's a good guy, and I've been trying to get him a girlfriend for the past two years... he tries, but heaven help him... he just gets attached too quickly. He's learning though... poor kid.

So yesterday he and I were supposed to grab food. I was expecting dinner... and I could have sworn that's what he said. He was expecting lunch... both of us were expecting the other person to pay.... we both missed a meal. XD We decided to try and do something when he got off work, which was an hour after I get off... so I'm finishing up some stuff at the office... I decided to stay a little late for COMP time while I waited for him. Then... just as I'm leaving to go and meet him, he calls me and says that he won't be getting off until god knows when...

I went hungry. I hadn't cooked... I was too tired to cook... and frankly a bit disappointed at not getting to hang out.

Shit happens. We've rescheduled for tonight... he better not flake again or I'm going to hunt him down and beat him to hell and back... in front of his co-workers. Imagine the headlines: large man beaten unconscious by crazed woman! I think I'm going to dare him to stand me up! BWAHAHAHA!

Word of the day: Disappointment - when you build up your expectations to a level rivaling that of The Force Unleashed... only to find out that what you were expected was not only destroyed but thrown at you in a manner so warped and twisted that you would rather go and play Superman 64 for three days straight... rather than deal with the current situation. (trust me... that's disappointing! XD)

Ok... I had one of my famous... unpredictable weekends.

WORD OF WARNING: I never know what I'm going to be doing in advance... Most of the time I cannot be reached on the weekends.

Case in point: Thursday night... I was at home, on the computer, when my neighbor comes by. He's all upset (and he's freakin' hawt!!) because his girlfriend and him got in a fight and she let the dog out. OF ALL THINGS! The stupid bitch sends the dog running off into the neighborhood. Now my neighbor and I are friendly... we don't know each other very well. It turns out though that we both have nicknames for one another... when we are with friends and we need to reference our neighor, I call him "the hot piece of man flesh next door" and he calls me "the insane yet insanely attractive redhead" (which by the way... for anyone's reference... he's calling me a man trap. Which would be rude if he weren't so cute and if it wasn't the truth... I am a man trap. You look at me and see physical when you really should know that I WILL PROBABLY BE THE DEATH OF YOU!!)

Anyhow... he's pissed at his girlfriend and can't find his dog and wanted to know if I had seen it. Of course I'd been inside all night and hadn't seen anything, but I pull on my jacket and come outside to help him look for his dog... and lo-and-behold he starts laughing. Apparently he'd never seen a woman put on a designer jacket and go look for a dog in stillettos. Well, as I very politely said, "Fuck you and go to hell... because no dog is gonna get me in sneakers." I promise I said it as sarcastically and politely as I could at 11pm.

He apparently found it amusing... and we went to go look for his dog, which is named sophia. When I learned more about this dog I was expecting to have to go find some snobbish woman's tiny yorkie... I'm thinking Paris Hilton or something... not a man's dog. I'm all like... "Damn! He's still into the bitch!" But I'm nice... calling out the dog's name. By the time midnight has passed we still haven't found the dog... I finally get pissed and shout out a line from a movie called The Color Purple. (If you haven't seen it... it has Danny Glover, Whoopie Goldberg, and Oprah Winfrey... and it's an amazing movie. Anyhow... Oprah Winfrey plays Miss Sophia and she is married to a wife beater by the name of Harpo... and there is a famous line from this movie...) I shouted, "Come here, Sophia! Comes to Harop!!"

Wouldn't you know it? At that movie this huge grey mass comes jumping out of the bushes and leaps up to my eye level... (i'm six foot tall standing flat footed... and I'm in heels remember... that's a hell of a jump for a dog) I barely manage to catch this dog without falling over, and the entire scene sends my neighbor into a laughing fit! I just calmly start petting this FUCKING HUGE yorkie (we are talking about a foot and a half tall... twenty pounds... like a godzilla yorkie) and I quote another line from the movie, "All my life I had to fight... I love's Harpo, I do Miss Ceily! But I kills him dead before I let him beat me again!" And my neighbor is apparently awestruck with laughter at this... it is only several minutes later that I learn... and I start laughing... because he does the same thing with this yorkie. Apparently she was named for such humor (becaus Oprah is no dainty woman in The Color Purple... and this is no dainty primpy yorkie... this is a MAN's yorkie... i was freaked out for a little while).

So now he has his dog... and we walk home... say goodnight... and all seems to come to an end. I get the weekend off and I'm going to be alone. Fate is a fickle... fickle... evil bitch!! I'm woken up at 11am by my neighbor... and he's looking tired (he apparently fought with his girlfriend all night) and he's holding Sophia... he needs someone to watch her for the day because he has to go and get all his "ex's" stuff out of the house and to her new place... apparently he can't take the dog because she hates the dog... blah blah blah... basically he needs a favor. Then he offers to take me to dinner as payment.

I'm impressed... this is 1) a very brave man, because he has witnessed my life from the outside, and 2) he is a very arrogant man... thinking that I would go to dinner with him because of a dog. I told him he could pay me 50 bucks for the dog sitting and if he wanted a date... he could get the bollucks to just ask me out and that I was free Saturday. AND HE FREAKING LAUGHS!! Apparently I'm a comedian! (note to you guys: laughing is OUR job... you say things that you think are funny... and we laugh at them to make your ego's survive the harsh winters between your dating lives... we DO NOT constantly try to be funny... I was being sarcastic for his information)

However, he impresses me... and shocks me at the same time. He said he was hoping for as much and offered to take me out to dinner the next night... I accepted... and it turns out that I had a pretty good time. He managed to hold my attention for both Saturday (damn bastard woke me up early and took me to do more than just dinner... but it was fun) and Sunday... and I'm going to see him again on Wednesday, because I'm such a nice person.

Could I have found my next relationship living next door? Meh... I'm not a romantic. If he can handle my insanity and I don't get bored... this could be rather fun. BWAHAHA!! I'll be taking your odds and money nows!!

I didn't think that it was possible for someone to NOT know who William Goldman was... I mean... come on people: The Princess Bride!!! He wrote the book, he wrote the screenplay... he created the characters and all of the puns!! It's not possible.

However, that was when I learned that the same person had never heard of the The Princess Bride, to which I then yelled, "INCONCEIVABLE!!" but they just looked at me like I was crazy. Why? Because they didn't know the Princess Bride and thus did not get the fabulous humor. So... I made them watch the movie and guess what? They didn't like it... they laughed, certainly, but they thought it was a bad movie.

MEMO TO THE MASSES: Yes! The Princess Bride is a bad movie... it was made in the glorious years of corney comedy!! that's what makes it priceless!! It's so slapstick and goofy that you cannot help but love it! Stop judging all your movies as if they are supposed to win academy awards!! The Oscar is not a big deal... it's a short, gold statue of a bald man that is probably filled with chocolate!! Movies... are for enjoyment!!

So many people have forgotten what it was like to go and sit down for about two hours... and just turn your brain off! To not think, or bother, or worry, or fret, or JUDGE anything... for TWO... WONDERFUL... GLORIOUS HOURS!! That's what a good movie is. It makes you laugh... it makes you excited... and it takes you away from reality. You need nothing more from a movie. They don't have to question the "human condition" or "create believable characters". I don't watch movies to see "believeable"!! I want vampires, talking robots that become cars a third their size, or flying spaceships with little flipping, lightsaber wielding midgets!! That is the kind of entertainment that makes Hollywood the "Tinseltown" that is always has been...

Freaking Academy Awards have deluded the masses into looking for "art" in a medium that is supposed to be ENJOYMENT!

Get off this kick and go turn your brains off... and have a nice day!!

Word of the day is: controversy -- why someone says something that sparks a substantial feeling of something in another someone to where they say something in return to substantiate their subliminal feelings of something or other... which somehow turns into a superlative arguement among which some people somehow begin yelling or throwing insufficient means of "wordplay" at one another... until someones sufficiently smaller feelings are hurt... and thus... someone gets punched in the face!

Hooray for controversy!!

Ok... so I'm an avid supporter of equality for all people. Being as such... I'm friends with many people in the gay community. I like gay people. Simple as that. I think that most of the time they are more open, more fun, and more honest the normal people... if you can make a standard for normal.

Anyhow... so I was in the country the past weekend, and I had several people with me. Two of them were quite fabulous! We are talking nail polish, stockings, gaydom... the whole shebang!! One is a fierce tranny and the other is just a wonderful gay man who queens out at times... they are both very pretty. They tried dating, but they are such opposites that I will NEVER see them working out. I think they see it too... that does not mean however that sexual tension does not exist. I mean when you see a hot person you just sometimes get this desire to throw them down.

I get this desire every time I see Johnny Depp... that man is walking porn!

Moving on!!

So the easiest way to overcome inhibition... and to make certain that sex happens between two people who have "tension"? Haha, you better have picked booze. It's the magical drink... the one that turns all people into open people. You get a little bit of alcohol into people and they loosen up... you get a lotta alcohol into people and then I can start an orgy! (didn't happen... don't worry)

Thus... I bust out the booze about the second night. We had Tuaca, Goldshalger, this drink called Hot Damn? I think... Smirnoff six packs and... shit! There was booze to be had for seven people. (I'm a sexualist, just for the record. I like sex... I talk about sex... I'm open will all my friends about it. There's nothing I won't do, except for put my mouth around someone's ass. I just won't do that. I also don't like feet, but I can put up with those.) I was going to be partying. I drank a six pack and some hot damn myself... Barry (the one straight "proclaimed" guy) had half a bottle of Goldshalger... which I don't recommend anyone do. The gays had Smirnoff and hot damn... Mandy drank vodka... it was crazy.

The night involves strip poker... it involved monopoly... it had music and dancing... and the longer it goes on--the two pretty men are getting on top of each other more and more. I'm watching this and my inner whore is pretty much saying "YES!! GO!! TAKE THE BACK BEDROOM!!" But... no such luck. I didn't get to giggle or laugh at the sex noises... nothing.

The night winds down (there was much fun to be had... pick option 5 from last post's list if you want that story) and I go to sleep... well next morning I wake up and the pretty queen, he's a good good friend of mine, comes up to me smiling like a Cheshire cat. (he's very cat-like, but that's another story as well)

I look at him and automatically know that something went down and I missed it... which I don't like to miss things. I'm an enabler, but I like to see the things I enable. Thus I demand that he tell me what happened.

"Oatmeal" he says... and throws a bottle of lotion at me. Aveeno's Natural Moisturizing Oatmeal Lotion. I haven't seen this shit in years. My grandmother used to rub it all over herself and she smelled of it. I have so many memories of this lotion... that are now all overshadowed by laughter.

I raised my eyes and looked at him and said, "you didn't..."

"No..." he said, "but the other guy did..."

I nodded, "and?" I never pictured him bottoming for ANYONE... but versatile is an impressive trait for a man. It makes him WAY hotter.

He giggled, "We were having SO much fun... but couldn't find any lube... so we were getting frustrated. Next thing I know is that he's grabbing something... squirting it... *edited for explicitiveness*... and my ass is on fire."

At this point I'm dying laughing, waking the whole cabin up... and I'm looking at the warnings on the bottle. The first one reads, and I quote: External Use ONLY! I'm laughing... cackling... and he's bright red. The tranny comes out and knows that I know... and he's laughing too. Apparently the time wasn't ruined by that, because they are still talking to one another... but, I swear, they both were embarrassed by it.

The other people manage to get into the kitchen where we are... and they look confused. So I say to everyone, "How does oatmeal sound for breakfast?" My two gays just die laughing as everyone agrees to breakfast, I'm hiding the bottle to prevent further drunken mistakes... and I make everyone oatmeal with as smile on my face.

Hope you laughed... I did.

Anyhow... i noticed yesterday that I filled up my ten things I learned... and still had more... so to end today I have:

Ten MORE things I learned in the cabin:
1. A giant spider that has a bright YELLOW web is to be avoided... no matter how brave you think you are.
2. When casting a fishing line... NEVER aim towards a tree.
3. When paddling a boat... don't stand on the seat.
4. Mixing Smirnoff and Goldshalger = instavomit
5. Giant dogs are to be treated with respect...
6. Naming a lizard Captain Cupcake does not mean it becomes a pet... it just makes it want to attack you more.
7. Most people are dicks... if you go into town with a group of people and two fabulous gays... they become assholes... with hard-ons.
8. Falling asleep and expecting other people to put up food without being told... never happens.
9. Cockroaches are invincible... unless you attack with stilettos.
10. When in doubt... always expect the unexpected... even when you expect nothing. This includes your friends and their sexuality.

Word of the day: Phone - the scourge of the civilized world. It can make any normal human into an insufferable ass.

So I'm back at work and I'm having this extreme sense of "I don't want to put up with your shit at the moment". It's causing me to take the normal level of stupidity (that everyone exhibits) and project it into my senses as "Hyper Stupidity" -- basically I'm being about 10 times harsher on people. It's what happens when I come back from vacation... I just don't wanna deal with your bullshit! So... the phones are ringing and I answer as normal and here's how the conversation goes:

Me: Thank your for calling *health center*, how may I help you?

Patient: Yes... are you open?

Me: No maam, I just sit here and answer the phones for entertainment.

Patient: so you aren't open?

Me: No, we are open from 8am to 10pm, closed for lunch from noon to one... how may I help you?

Patient: Is there a doctor who can see me?

Me: (trying to not laugh at this point) No maam... it's just me and my pet elephant. We do surgery with a pizza cutter and try our best not to let you bleed out before we are done.

My Actual response: Yes, maam... would you like to be seen today or later this week.

Patient: Can you see me today?

Me: No, I just like asking that question. What time next week would you like to set your appointment?

Patient: Wait... I have to make an appointment?

*CLICK* -I hung up on her-

She called back... and I let the other secretary answer the phone... it took five minutes to get an appointment made... I just sat there and laughed. It was a riot. I was probably being overly harsh and judgemental... but my brain just wasn't in an understanding mood. I had too good of a time this weekend and she's trying to bring my euphoria down to normal levels and I won't accept that kind of treatment until tomorrow at the earliest!!

Anyhow, I'm sure that you all wanna know some funny stories about my trip... and trust me there are a great deal of them. However, I'm not going to tell them just yet. Rather I'm going to give you a list of ten things I learned this weekend and you can pick which story you want to hear! And this is the list:

1. Giving directions to the middle of nowhere is not as easy as you would think.
2. When trying to fry chicken... you have to know what you are doing. It's not enough to put a pot of oil on the stove and then throw the chicken in.
3. When drinking... do not allow one of your friends to have an entire bottle of Goldschlager to themselves.
4. Dr. Pepper and Smirnoff is a nice combination... until you realize that you've had two six packs of both.
5. No one is truly straight... if you look hot and your friends are drunk--they become Gropey McCreeperson... and your gender does not matter.
6. Gay men blush when you give them lapdances... and you like to make them blush... which makes the room bust into laughter.
7. People laughing does not "always" mean you are a comedian--they could be laughing at you.
8. You do not need 10 bags of chips for a weekend vacation... no matter HOW MANY people you bring. Chips get old fast.
9. Chocolate never gets old... it only makes hangovers feel better.
10. Aveeno's natural colloidal oatmeal lotion does not make for good lube. DO NOT let your drunken libido con you into thinking otherwise...

Which brings me to the word of the day: Krakatoa- a word associated with extreme heat... often shouted by people experiencing certain body parts that are on fire... or when their insides are burning, or when they have made a stupid sexual experiment with lubrication. Rumors that this was an actual volcano are myth, and considered erroneous by many experts... scientists are in agreement that it is an expletive shouted at one's own misery.

OK! so i'm going to get out of town for the weekend, starting tomorrow morning I'm going to a cottage that my family owned. It's out in the country and I'm going to get away. I feel a heavy urge to take some time off, so I've gathered a few friends together and we are going to take a break. There will be partying, music, cooking, and just all around foolery! I think it's something I need... yep!

A friend of mine also wants to try fishing. o_O Which I have no idea how that is going to turn out, but we're going to try! I promise to bring you back an excellent story. Last time I went fishing... I ended up in a crazy trip down a river and over a small cataract... I thought I was going to die. Now that I look back on that memory... it's kinda funny--in a life threatening, going over what I thought was a waterfall, and almost losing the only fish we caught type of way... but still fun!

I'm looking forward to cooking as well. I let each of my three friends pick one of the meals, which I will cook. I'm apparently making spaghetti, chicken tenders and chips, and summer spice shrimp... it's going to be an interesting weekend of food to say the least. (i'm definitely bringing back up food... just if something goes wrong) I like cooking, but I remember the kitchen area in the cottage... it's small. I'm afraid I may be juggling food containers and frying pans and kettles... it'd be worth filming I think. Someone should take notes and make a comedy of errors out of my life. I think it would make a great movie.

Well... work is almost over for the day. I have two hours left... and I'm waiting to get off. I don't work until monday so this should all be wonderful. I have a rental car!! I have time off!! I've got my friends... what coudl possibly go wrong?!

...don't you dare say a word.